Chapter 64: Place Where One Belongs
Ren's attitude toward Shizuru did not change even after their physical encounter. On the contrary, he became even more cold.
Whenever Shizuru tried to serve him at mealtime.
"Here. A refill."
"When did I ask for a refill?"
"You always eat two bowls."
"That doesn't mean I'm going to have another one today."
"That's right, but"
"I don't need it. You can eat what you prepared."
"...I understand."
Whenever Shizuru tries to take care of Ren, who has returned from training.
"Here. A towel."
"......Are you sure you're not mistaken?"
"What am I mistaken about?"
"Just because I held you, you already think you're my lover?"
"No. I've been doing this before."
"It was. It has been bothering me since then. Don't do it again."
"…………"
No matter what Shizuru does, Ren just pushes her away. She treats Shizuru with a demeanor that chills even the people around her who see it.
"Luna. Is that okay? Ren-sama's attitude now seems too strict."
"That's fine."
"Really?"
"Ren is aware of Kazuki's existence. That's why he can't tolerate any impostor."
"That's why I'm starting to feel sorry for her who is hated."
"If you can hate others, you can love them."
"Yes, but..."
"That woman is fine. That's why I trained her to enjoy being treated badly."
"Are you sure she's okay?"
"……Maybe."
Luna's reply to Rin's reminder is ambiguous. In fact, Luna had not thought that Ren would take his attitude this far. Luna, who can sense Ren's feelings, was even more genuinely worried.
"Why does Ren-sama hate her so much?"
"That's……"
Luna's mouth becomes slurred at Rin's question. It was Luna's reaction, which Rin rarely sees.
"No way, you don't know?"
"Dark emotions just burst out..."
What Luna could feel from Ren was just black, a pitch-black emotion that made it impossible to determine what kind of emotion it was.
"Luna! Are you really okay with that?"
Rin panicked at the unexpected answer.
"It's okay... it's okay."
"How can you say that?"
"Hatred and anger are also emotions directed at people."
"I've heard that before."
"As far as Luna knows, Kazuki is the only person Ren directed that at."
"That's... that means she's..."
At Luna's words, Rin has a shocked expression.
"She's just a fake. She is a woman who ends up being hated."
When Luna noticed this, she hurriedly said follow-up words, but it was no comfort.
"...I want to be wanted even if I'm hated. Is it strange for me to think that way?"
Even if it is out of hatred, Shizuru is held by Ren. Rin had a feeling of envy for that.
"…………"
"I feel sorry for her, but I'm also jealous, so I'm sure I'm a dirty person Ren-sama hates."
People's jealousy. This is one of the feelings of the living that Ren dislikes.
"That's what love is all about."
"You don't know that..."
"Anyway, things are going according to plan. Ren will learn to hate people because of that woman. If that happens, it's only a matter of time before the opposite is born in Ren."
"...Luna, I was thinking, but it's not if she can endure it, right?"
"…………"
Even Rin, who originally hated Shizuru's existence, and Luna, who could have set up this situation, end up sympathizing with her. Rin wondered if Shizuru would be able to withstand it.
But fortunately for Shizuru, this situation brought about an unexpected change.
It was time to take care of the younger children. Ren's angry voice flew at Shizuru, who was being teased as usual.
"Shut up! How many times do I have to tell you!"
"I'm sorry!"
"You can't even take care of the children properly. What are you doing here?"
"……I'm sorry"
Ren always blamed her, but there was no way she could ever get used to it while he stared at her with cold eyes.
"Go away. I don't want to see your face."
"...I don't want to."
"Disappear"
"……Please"
"No."
"Please! Let me stay here!"
Shizuru changed her words and lowered her head deeply. Still, Ren's cold gaze didn't change.
"...Soon you will want to leave immediately"
"Then please let me stay until I don't like it anymore."
"......I'll make you think so right away."
Ren leaves the room after throwing out that line. Her mixed feelings of relief and bitterness drain her power from her body.
Shizuru collapsed on the spot.
"...I can't do it. I'm about to give up."
The whining that she had been holding back for so long leaked out of her mouth.
"Are you running away?"
"Eh?"
Children call out to Shizuru.
"Are you going away?"
"That's……"
"You're leaving us too."
"No."
"What's the difference? That's what this is about, isn't it?"
"It's not that. I just have a hard time...... and I'm sad when people say...... terrible things about me."
"After all, you're running away."
"Don't blame me. I get hurt too..."
Shizuru's heart is about to break when even the children blame her.
"So are you going to abandon us alone and run away?"
"...Abandon?"
There was a word that caught Shizuru's heart, which was about to break.
"What?"
"…Maybe you guys want me to stay?"
"We didn't say that"
"That's right. We asked if you were going to run away."
"That's right, but..., it's not about running away, Aren't you blaming me for leaving you guys behind?"
The children were trying to drive out Shizuru. Even though that should be the case, they blame Shizuru for leaving here. Shizuru realized that meaning.
"...You're the same as our parents, aren't you?"
"No. I don't want to leave you guys. I want to be with you, but I'm having trouble because you won't let me."
"So you're here?
"I want to be with you guys all the time."
Before she knew it, Shizuru had come to think so from the bottom of her heart. The children are all mean, but at some point, an innocent smile began to appear on their faces. Shizuru noticed that unconsciously.
"I see……"
"Okay, let's sleep."
"Eh?"
"If you don't want to run away, let's sleep together."
"You guys will sleep together with me?"
"If that's what you want to do, you can do so."
"Yes. I want to take a nap with everyone."
"Okay then."
"Yes. Let's sleep."
The children thought that Ren's cold treatment would make Shizuru run away. Thanks to that, Shizuru was able to know a little bit about the children's true intentions.
Even with what happened to Kazuki, it is Shizuru who is with them now and takes care of them. The young children could not continue to hold a grudge against Shizuru forever. The distance between Shizuru and the children was shortened by an unexpected chance.
And this fact created a small confidence in Shizuru's heart.
"What you can do to help Ren-sama?"
Rin's gaze at Shizuru was as cold as Ren's. However, Shizuru didn't look like she was frightened by that.
"Yes. What should I do, Ren, to admit that I am here?"
"You're asking me that? You must know how I feel about you."
"Yes. But I thought Rin-san would know best what would make Ren happy."
"I don't know how Ren-sama feels."
"But I do know that Rin-san is allowed to be by Ren's side."
"...You want to be by, his side?"
"Of course."
"Even though you've been treated like that?"
"...It's my role to accept it."
"You……"
It was a very Shizuru-like line, but the straight gaze in her eyes when she told her made Rin's heart shaken.
"Ren will get angry at me again if I say this. I'm a hypocrite, apparently."
"Why do you go to all the trouble of choosing a hard place to live? There must be plenty of other places for you to be."
"...It might be so."
There was no need for Shizuru to go through such a painful experience. If she is uncomfortable with the way people look at her, she does not have to go to the academy. Even so, Shizuru would not be troubled. The church and other countries do not care about Shizuru's sins.
"Do you really love Ren-sama?"
Rin thought that the reason was her affection for Ren.
"...To be honest, I don't know if it's love. I'm not mature enough to talk about love."
However, Shizuru's answer did not affirm that.
"Then why?"
"Because with Ren, as with all the children, deception doesn't work."
"Deception?"
"You might look down on me for saying this, but it was easy for people to like me."
"Huh?"
"You just have to choose the attitude, the words, that they want. It's the same for most people. They are cheerful, serious, kind to everyone, and honor students. You just have to act that way, even if you think differently in your heart."
If Shizuru's beauty is there, it is impossible not to be liked. The only exception would be the same sex who envy her. Even so, if Shizuru continued to be friendly to them, their envy would turn into admiration. Shizuru knew that.
"…………"
Rin was at a loss for words when Shizuru said such a thing in her own words without hesitation. She should have known. But she was still surprised to hear Shizuru admit that she was a bad girl.
"It would be fine if I were a hypocrite. But that won't work with Ren. The more I act like that, the more Ren will despise me."
"...I don't understand. So why do you want to stay by Ren-sama's side? You want people to like you."
"This is just a random thought on my part..."
"What?"
"If it’s Ren, I wonder if he’ll accept me even if I show him the real me. A disgusting woman. Even though I'm a horrible woman who's jealous of other people, who's made people fall in love with me, who let people die. That's what I am."
"...Is that what you want?"
Rin felt like she understood Shizuru's feelings just a little. Ren is now showing a cold attitude that makes Rin pull back, but that is because of what happened to Kazuki, not because he denies such people. Ren originally thinks of the living as such.
"I don't know why I thought this. I guess I'm just tired of everything that's been going on. Anyway, for some reason, I'm wishing for it now."
"...Reveal your true nature"
One of Luna's whispers comes to Rin's mind. She had meant it in a different way.
"Yes, that's what it means. If I can do that, my life will be easier."
"Easier... it really worked."
Rin feels more fear than surprise at the fact that Luna's imprinting, which she had never expected, was effective. She decided to be careful when she went to bed.
"What?"
"Nothing"
"It's nice to be liked. But if you force yourself to be liked, one chance will make them hate you. I've learned that."
"You just did that."
"Yes. And that's who I am. Nobody liked me."
It was her false self that was liked. It was Shizuru's intention to play that false self, but that was becoming ridiculous now.
"Isn't it the same for you to push yourself too hard for Ren-sama’s sake?"
"......You may be right. But I'm sure Ren will see through it if I'm pushing myself too hard. If Ren complimented me, it was a compliment to the real me. Wouldn't you think so?"
"...Yeah. I think so."
Even though Rin wondered if such a day would ever come, she couldn't deny it. She was the same way. She didn't know if that day will ever come, but she was longing for the day when Ren will truly love her.
"Please tell me. What should I do?"
"There's nothing I can tell you."
"I see……"
"I'm not saying this out of spite, I can't understand Ren-sama's feelings. However, there are things you need to do, who was not accepted, but just to be by Ren-sama's side. ”
"What is it?"
"Stay with me except when it's time to take care of the children. Then you will understand."
"...I understand."
For Rin, it was intended as a favor as a result of allowing Shizuru to be a little more careful, but for Shizuru, this was the beginning of a new ordeal.
――After dinner, the evening darkness began to envelop the area.
"Haa, haa, haa... nghh"
Shizuru was on all fours on the ground, trying hard to endure what was welling up from the back of her throat.
"Don't worry about such things and run!"
Rin's harsh voice flew at Shizuru.
"...B-but"
"No excuses! If you want to finish your training, run until you pass out. That will make things easier."
"...I understand."
Shizuru manages to stand up, but Shizuru's legs are unsteady. When she took a step forward, she collapsed to the ground again.
"…Your legs are too weak. That's enough. You should rest for a while."
"Yes……"
She was told to get her act together, and when she followed Rin, what awaited her was hellish training.
When she was told to run, she thought it was jogging, but instead, she was told to run as hard as she could. When she ran as she was told, she run as fast as she could, but she was never told to stop. When she stopped to catch her breath, she was told not to stop.
When she asked them what to do because she didn't understand why, they told her to run as fast as she could until she passed out. At first, she couldn't believe her ears, but then she looked around and saw that the children were indeed running as fast as they could. They never stopped and kept on running.
Seeing that, Shizuru tried her best not to lose, but the result was the same as before. Only Shizuru is lying on the ground.
"What, you perverted woman, is it over for you?"
"You are... Kai-kun."
"Heh, you remember me?"
"Of course. You guys are amazing. I can't keep up with you guys."
"That's natural. We've been doing it for a long time."
"I see."
"At first, I was like that too. I couldn't move my legs before I passed out."
"...Are you encouraging me?"
"No way. I was just telling the truth. See you."
Kai left. It was only then that Shizuru realized that he had taken the trouble to stop and talk to her in the middle of the training.
"...I have to do my best"
Her legs are still shaking. Still, Shizuru got up and took a step forward. Even if she fell, she stood up again.
Until she can't even stand up.
◇◇◇
Shizuru has a private room. Babaa and Shizuru are the only ones who have private rooms in this house. It is not that they allow Shizuru the luxury of a private room. It is because they do not want the children to see what they do every night.
Ren's stance was that it didn't matter, but Rin was unusually strongly opposed. That's right. It was not something that Rin herself could endure when she was forced to watch the actions of the two of them.
A room with just one bed. Ren visited there again today.
Since he visits after all the night training is over, it is always close to dawn. When he opened the door, Shizuru did not seem to wake up.
Shizuru, who usually tries her best to wake up, was indeed exhausted today. However, Ren never showed his kindness to Shizuru. Without hesitation, she stripped off the bedsheet and climbed into bed.
In front of him was a completely naked Shizuru, breathing in her sleep. Shizuru had faithfully complied with Ren's absurd request that it would be too much trouble to undress her, and had decided to sleep every night without a stitch of clothing on.
"…………"
Ren showed slight hesitation, but he slowly climbed over Shizuru.
"Nhh... ah, Ren."
Even if Shizuru notices and calls out to him, Ren continues the act in silence. There is not the slightest hint of affection, just a continuation of the act.
"I'm sorry. I'll wipe your body right away."
In this state, Shizuru reaches for the towel she has prepared by the bedside. It is always prepared to wipe away Ren's sweat at the end of training.
"I don't need it. You can't wipe it in this state, can you?"
"It's okay. I'll just reach out my hand."
Saying that, even if she stretches out, she can only reach up to his arm. Then, when Shizuru tries to get up, Ren raises her legs high to get in the way.
"Don't do anything. All you have to do is moan. You're just a s*x toy."
"...Then I'll be on top."
"Huh?"
"Then I can wipe your body. That's a good idea. Come on, turn over."
While Ren was taken aback by the unexpected proposal, Shizuru switched her body and straddled on top of Ren. From there she begins to carefully wipe Ren's body with a towel in her hand.
"...You, that's."
"What?"
"Aren’t you just wiping my body?"
"T-that's right. That's it. If I don't do that..."
She straddled Ren because it was convenient for her to wipe his body. That was all Shizuru was thinking about. When she moved her own hips, she felt embarrassed.
"...It doesn't matter. I don't really want to hold you."
"Then, after wiping your body. Then."
"Do as you please."
Shizuru started wiping Ren's whole body. She is slow and gentle, wiping every corner. In the silence, only Shizyu's breathing flowed into the room.
"……Oi?"
The breathing that reaches Ren's ears can only be heard as sleeping breaths. In fact, Shizuru had stopped moving completely and slumped over Ren's body.
"…………"
The weight of Shizuru's head on his chest. It reminds Ren of the past.
"...You're not Kazuki."
It's been a year since Kazuki passed away. Kazuki's presence in Ren's mind has become much bigger than when she was alive. Kazuki was supposed to be next to him.
Ren feels that Shizuru is trying to stay there. It seemed as if she was trying to erase Kazuki's place in his life, which was unforgivable.
"Ren……"
"If you're awake, get out of my way."
"...I'll do my best"
"Eh?"
"Look...... at me……"
"Are you awake?"
"…………"
"Why……?"
She was supposed to run away immediately, but for some reason, Shizuru is trying to endure Ren's miserable treatment. That's what Ren doesn't understand.
Ren quietly slipped out of bed and went outside. Between the neatly arranged gravestones, he walked toward his destination.
He arrived at Kazuki's grave.
"……Flowers."
Decorated flowers. Flowers that should not have been there yesterday afternoon were being offered. Flowers that could be found in any number of places around the cemetery.
"...Hypocrite... then what do you think I am?"
Even if he asks, there is no answer. Ren doesn't have the ability to talk to spirits who have ascended to heaven.
"I know it's wrong. What I'm doing is bullying. I'm doing one of the reasons why I hate the world."
Even though he knew there was no answer, Ren couldn't help but speak. Ren himself was no longer sure of his own feelings.
"Hey, Kazuki. What would you do? What should I do?"
Ren stared at the night sky, but it did not answer anything.
◇◇◇
――Shizuru was awakened by the sun shining through the window.
"... Eh? Did I fall asleep?"
The memory of last night is completely cut off halfway through. She left Ren alone and fell asleep. Shizuru's face turned pale at that fact.
She hurriedly got up from the bed and looked for her change of clothes.
"No? Eh? I'm wearing it?"
She was puzzled by the fact that she was supposed to be naked, but for some reason, she was wearing clothes.
"No way... that's not happening."
Shizuru forced herself to hold back a smile on her face as she thought of one possibility.
She looked in the mirror and adjusted her hair. Shizuru was proud of her hair, which was straight down to her waist. But nowadays, it seems to be just a hindrance, pulled by children or covered in mud when she falls down.
"...Alright."
With a light heart, Shizuru grabbed a pair of scissors and sat down in front of the mirror.
A quarter of an hour later. As soon as she descended the stairs, Ren's cold words flew toward Shizuru.
"Oversleeping, that's a nice status."
"I'm sorry. I'll get ready right away."
"What for? The meal has already started."
In a panic, Shizuru tries to head for the kitchen, but Ren stops her. Food was already laid out on the table, and Ren and the others were taking mouthfuls of it.
"I see. I'll do it properly from tomorrow."
"……You?"
At that point, Ren finally noticed that Shizuru's atmosphere was different. He realized it too late.
"You finally noticed? I changed my hairstyle. It's good for a change, right?"
"Hairstyle..."
Her long hair was no longer a shadow of its former self. The hair is also short, Shizuru's hair had become short like a boy's hair.
"I messed it up a little bit. But it's not weird, right? I've always wanted to have short hair.
"Have you ever seen a woman with short hair in this world?"
Ren asked Shizuru with an exasperated face.
"...I don't think so."
Ren told her to think about it, but Shizuru has no recollection of ever meeting a woman with a short haircut.
"I guess so. Getting your hair cut is one of the punishments."
"Eh?"
"You, with your hair like that, they'll think you're a sinner."
"…………"
Hearing Ren's story, Shizuru froze with her eyes wide open.
"I thought you were an idiot, but you didn't know this common sense."
"But, look, I'm like a sinner."
"Don't tell me that yourself"
"……I'm sorry"
"Jeez"
Ren tried to return to his meal while showing an exasperated expression.
"……Hey."
Shizuru called out to Ren.
"What?"
"Regardless of punishment, what do you think of this hairstyle, Ren?"
"Huh?"
"I wonder what Ren thinks of women with short hair…"
Shizuru asked Ren with an embarrassed yet nervous expression. Her hair was cut on her own whim. Frankly, Shizuru also thinks it was a mistake.
"......If we're just talking about preferences, I prefer a short cut."
"Really!?"
Rin made a surprised face at Ren's words, but Shizuru didn't notice it.
"That doesn't mean I like you."
"I know that..."
"It's okay to talk about useless things, so hurry up and eat. After washing and cleaning, take care of the children."
"Yes, I understand."
"You should have more time to train. Don't oversleep. Wake up early tomorrow."
"Eh?"
With the words Ren said, Shizuru quickly realizes what this means and stares at Ren with her eyes wide open.
"...Hurry up and eat."
"Yes, I understand."
The embarrassed look that Ren showed. Seeing that expression that was directed at her for the first time, Shizuru was about to burst into tears. She was recognized by Ren. Shizuru didn't think she would be this happy.
And this impression strengthens Shizuru's feelings even more. [I want to be by your side forever.]
thanks for the chapter!
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